I don't know what to call this yet!

I am a huge bitch.

All of my life I’ve been told I am “sassy”.  I still have no idea what it means. I have looked up the definition and still NO GO! All I know is looking back at things I have said to people, the ways I have acted, and shit I’ve done! I am A HUGE BITCH! I find it hilarious because I don’t realize how mean I am sometimes or how people may perceive things I say as mean when it is just the way I say something. I joke around with my friends and sometimes I’m SUPER mean and I intend it as a joke but now I am kind of worried they don’t know that! 

Okay,  I am super paranoid ALL the time. When people don’t reply to my text messages repeatedly I assume they are mad at me.   The whole “game” of text messaging drives me crazy! When I read texts I hear the voice of the person in my head so sometimes I will read a text message in my head and hear it in a really mean tone. I will read, “Hi Brandon.” and that person may just be saying hi and not being mean but the way I read it and hear it in my mind, I think there is a whole subtext where the person is like, “Ugh! Why is he talking to me again? Ugh I hate him.” but that isn’t the case. If  I see a, “Hi Brandon!” It makes me think they are excited to hear from me.  IT IS SO WEIRD how by using one punctuation mark as apposed to another you may assume a different subtext from what a person is sayyyying.  So to AVOID this I tend to talk in all caps (which sounds like I am yelling) and use a lot of exclamation points. So it shows I am super happy to hear from people.  It’s weird because I sometimes feel people can understand what I am actually saying better via text message or fb message as apposed to talking face to face with someone.

I’m wondering if anything I am saying makes sense or they are just my psychotic rambles (a lot my posts are the latter).  I NEED TO WORK ON NOT BEING SO ACCIDENTALLY SASSY! Its my defense mechanism. When I feel I am being attacked or people aren’t hearing me correctly! I GET SASSY.  I also don’t give a fuck most of the time.

I am sorry I am a huge bitch yall! I love most of you.

FUN eral

In high school. I used to talk to this dude named Brandon a lot. He was okay but he wasn’t going to be my best friend or anything.  The reason I liked talking to him so much is because it gave me an excuse to say my own name over and over.  It was fun.  I don’t know what happened to him. If he has just died I would like to deliver his eulogy because it would be easier for me to sit through a funeral if I could say my name over and over.  I am so bad at funerals.

I remember my cousin’s funeral. I couldn’t stop laughing because it was super awkward.  My brother who was like 9 at the time went up to the body and poked it.  I lost my shit.  It was so funny because of how bad it was.  He also found all these calendars and he used to have this weird habit of collecting useless things and hording them.  So he had a bunch of these funeral home calendars in his hand and then drops them in the casket.  My mom started screaming while crying hysterically and I cried of laughter.  I am a horrible person.   I remember my younger cousins (my cousin who died was like 46. It was not a kid funeral) had all drawn pictures and made cards. They were all like “Hey! Uncle Mikey we will miss you” with ugly rainbow butterflies everywhere.   You made him a card like he IS GONNA SEE IT and you made it sound like he was going away for a bit. He isn’t coming back BITCH!  That funeral was such a gong show.  Then we had his wife in a corner with his pants around her neck like a scarf also crying.    PLEASE IF I EVER DIE! DO ALL OF THIS BUT 100 X more. I need something to laugh at… I don’t know if it is childish for me to believe I will never die but I kinda do.  Maybe they will have some medical breakthrough? I dunno. 

Anyways,

RIP NIGGA.

Look At These Hoes

Hmm..

I’m supposed to be like planning my future and shit.  I’m supposed to be writing new stand up material but i’m not!  I didn’t even play Saints Row 3 today.  I watched “The Producers” (Holy Shit! Uma Thurman can dance and holy shit can Will Ferrel sing!!!) , slept, and ate cheese covered in cheese wiz.   I was supposed to go to Wonderland but that didn’t happen! This is now my life.

Cheese covered in cheese whiz is amazing and is a culinary experience.  You all should try it.  I missed cheeze whiz. I hate it for a while and then I crave it.  I’ve been eating it so much. 

They say cheese whiz adds personality… I still have none.

Big ups to my boy Ron Sider.

HE READS MY BLOG AND COMPLIMENTS ME ON IT!

THANKS BRO!

YOU DAH BEST!!! Appreciate you like my weird manic crazy thoughts/observations.

I want to be American.

I got an email from this lady Pam Thomas (she was a casting director for “SNL”) and it was super nice and inspiring. She called my ideas “brilliant” and I am going to take that as a compliment (it is one but I don’t ever take compliments well) as SHE is tough as nails and sassy as fuck!  SHE ALSO DISCOVERED MAYA RUDOLPH! If she thinks my ideas are brilliant! WHAT?

I just remember her saying that if I want to do ANYTHING with our comedy I gotta move out of Canada.   I guess Toronto is like THE BEST for doing comedy in Canada but that doesn’t say much.  I see so many other comics WORK THERE ASSES OFF and barely get anything.  So many great comics just end up moving to somewhere else for a while.  I have lived in Toronto my ENTIRE life and I guess when you LIVE somewhere for so long you get bored and want to see other places.  Toronto is like MY CAGE!  I need to get the FUCK OUT.  Everytime I do an open mic here its so disheartening! You perform for like 4 people and bomb. It makes you stronger in some ways but is SO SOUL CRUSHING! You feel so bleh.  Some people like it! That is cool but it is not for me.

  I went to New York in February and did stand up there and had so much fun.  The open mics there are different.  A lot of them are done in actual comedy venues! Yeah you got to pay for them but its worth it! I met a lot of great comics there too!  Sure they are mainly the audience but they nice. I have never really had any comics come up and have a conversation with me after a show in Toronto.  I miss New York :(. 

My dad has PROBABLY cut me off but let’s see if I can convince him to pay for shit for a COUPLE more months! SO i can live in NY for like 2 months and figure out what the fuck I want to do.

Ugh.  It is now summer and during the summer I don’t sleep, I spend ALL NIGHT researching random things and planning my future.  Last summer I spent most of trying to figure out how to get out of Canada and into the States.  It is so difficult! I am not willing to do anything illegal (because if you get caught! GAME OVER) …so I am probably stuck for a while. BUT I WILL GET WHERE I NEED TO BE SOON!

WHAT THE FUCK IS NEXT?

I saw a concert today! SANTIGOLD. It was amazing… She is amazing. I think I mentioned it before but before I wanted to do comedy I wanted to do music. I was kind of deciding what I wanted to do one day and I was like “well… I am WAY better at comedy than I am music! SO I SHOULD JUST DO THAT!”  I still wanna do music! I know I can do comedy and music seperatly or at the same time but right now I’m trying to figure out WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS FREE TIME NOW THAT I HAVE FINISHED SCHOOL FOREVER!?!?!?

I just SAW the concert today and I was like, “Ugh! They having so much fun!!! I WANNA DO THAT”. I have a redic amount of fun doing comedy but its like a different kind of fun.  I wanna twerk on stage and do crazy raps without worrying if they funny. I’m supposed to work on a one person show but I have no idea where to begin! I was originally going to make it stand up and then raps would be weaved in but i may just write a whole a musical with maybe some of my stand up in. ALL I KNOW is I WANT TO RAP and SING in some shape or form! This one person show is MY CHANCE!  

Santigold has these two female backup dancer/singers who are very military like (they have a dead pan expression and are super serious looking). THEY ARE LIKE THESE AMAZING DANCERS and they do this redic cherography and they keep the straightest faces.  THEY ARE SO COOL. I think I want that in my show.  All I have for my show is the name and the first number. I have nothing else! I don’t know where to go after! All I know is WHEN I AM DONE it will be ammmmaaaazzing and mind blowing.

UGH JUST LET ME RAP/SING/AND DO COMEDY, WORD!

I’m so jealous of Donald Glover……

first line from b moneyy

whateversometimes:

“I am a strong black man.”

“Ma’am, the elliptical trainers are only for guests of the hotel.”

“I am a strong black man.”

“Can you at least put your clothes back on? We’re starting breakfast in ten minutes.”

“I am a strong black man.”

“I’m calling security.”

…

“This might be the acid talking, but I love acid.”

PERSPECTIVESSS

 I remember of  my friend’s  saying, ” I can’t relate to a lot of the stuff you go through because it has never happened to me. I don’t know what it is like to be black. I don’t know what racism feels like. I am just a white dude. “  I never really realized that because I don’t know what it’s like to NOT feel like that like maybe if I could remember when I was a baby but I can’t! I NOW KNOW THE FEELING TO WELL!

It’s weird when racist shit happens to you.  Your white friends (or at least mine) act one of two ways. They either get SUPER UPSET and start freaking out or they don’t know how to handle it and act weird.   I guess it’s like me when people cry (When people cry I start laughing hysterically and I don’t know what to do so I keep laughing and I just look like an asshole in the end).

Sometimes my friends say SUPER ignorant things and don’t realize it because they don’t KNOW what it is like be gay or be black. They just say it without even thinking.  I get upset sometimes because it hurts my feelings.  I remember one time my friend had similar hair to this dude who happened to be gay. So I showed him a pic and was like “YALL HAVE THE SAME HAIR!” and he was like, “Is that dude gay?” and I nodded and he was like ” oh… I don’t wanna look like a gay dude.”

I just remember being LIVID about it.  I just felt so disrespected and hurt.  The way it was said and worded gave the listener the idea that what he had meant was ” I don’t want to look like this person because he is GAY. I find something wrong with being gay so therefore I don’t want to LOOK like it.”  I was even more upset because I’m close friends with this person so I was like, “Is this what he thinks about me? If this is the sort of way he thinks I don’t want to talk to him anymore!” We eventually sorted it out and apologized. Sometimes people say shit without even thinking or realizing what they are saying.   He’d meant he didn’t want to look like a guy with feathers in his hair.  It had nothing to do with the other person’s sexuality.  He just said it wrong and in a stupid way.  I’m completely over it now but at the time it sucked.  He’s an awesome guy and I love him to death.

The type of comedy I do. I use satire and irony to address things like bullshit that still happens in our society (ex:Racism) ! When I write sketches they are usually racial satires. It’s weird because SOME PEOPLE GET IT and other people think I am being racist! THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND I’M TRYING TO FIGHT THAT! It gets frustrating. I remember in Sarah Silverman’s book. This dude came to her and was like “HEY! YOU HAVE THE BEST NIGGER JOKES” and she questioned her comedy for a second because those aren’t the point of her jokes.  She is making fun of people who think like that.  Comedy is subjective though. IT IS A SLIPPERY slope!  I write like that because that is my perspective. That is what i’ve seen and went through.  More people will think I am racist but I AM NEVER GOING TO STOP WHAT I AM DOING AND BEING WHO I AM!

MEDS, MEDS ,MEDS, MEDS, MEDSY, MEDS, MEDS (To the theme of “Two and a Half Men”)

I haven’t taken my meds(antidepressents) in like 3 weeks! I don’t know why! The side effects started driving me insane so I went COLD TURKEY!  

I was watching “Nurse Jackie” and right now she is in the process of recovering from her addiction to pain killers.  She is starting to be able to feel again and see how sad the world can be.    When I came off that sorta happened to me. I’ve literally almost cried at random places/random times EVERY day this week and that was because NO MEDS!  I have CRAZY mood swings. I was having crazy mood swings while on the meds as well.  I was feeling weird yesterday so I took one and NOW I’M SO HAPPY! I don’t know if that is because last night was really fun OR they are working again! TIME WILL ONLY TELL! I gotta see the shrink though!

I may have just been feeling SO emotional this week because COMEDY SCHOOL is over and I keep having all these full circle moments! I’ll name some.

- My friends Rica & Josie both came with me to my audition for the program and on Monday they watched me perform at the Industry Show aka the big final show!

- I remember meeting and becoming friends Vince at the audition. We got into the program together. He was my audition partner.  On Wednesday it was probably our last day together EVER at the school.

- During the first couple of weeks in first year I met Kyle McParland on the subway (he was also at my audition) and then walking with him to the upstairs exit at Kipling Station. I was going to the washroom and he was going to his car!  I think we shook hands and parted ways.   It’s weird because we kind of did that yesterday.  He was leaving the station from that exit at Kipling and I was going to the washroom.  We hugged, said “I love you” and parted ways.  FULL CIRCLE MOMENT! TO NOT KNOWING SOMEONE AT ALL to them becoming one of your closest FRIENDS! STRANGE!!! FULLLLLL CIRCLLLLLLLLLEEEEE!!!!

- My friend Morgan auditioned me for the program.  I remember being super nervous and asking her if she thought I would get in!  I DID! Now MORGAN is sorta like my mentor!  She so wise and I look up to her.  It was weird from her watching me do shitty improv to doing stand up on the Second City MAINSTAGE! FULL CIRCLE MOMENT!

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Oh god!!!

I don’t even know anymore.

I have put up with my fair share of racists.  I have had to deal with my share of racism.  I have never had to deal with it from people I respect and admire (well, respectED and AdmireD …ohh past tense)   I worked hard for the last three years of my life to be where I am now and to have opportunities taken away from me  JUST because I look a certain way is bullshit. 

“Oh, you can’t be this part because you don’t look that way but you can have this other part IN WHICH YOU ALSO DON’T LOOK LIKE!”

No.Go.Fuck.Yourself.

You know where I should be and are to close minded to accept new IDEAS.

It’s even harder when you sorta feel like no really has your back. You just feel alone.  No one offers ACTUAL support to you.  Only one person has stood up for me and I really appreciate that. THAT IS A FRIEND.  When the other people who matter most to you are just kinda like “oh yeah…that sucks.” and in the end are just aloof when you REALLY need them.  I know people have their own shit to deal with but when your there for a person if they need it or always offer ATLEAST they can listen to you.   I just don’t even know anymore. If you don’t care about me don’t pretend too.

To an extent I know shit will probably all work out in the end but having to deal with this and like have it CONSTANTLY rubbed in your face is so hard.   All you want to do is cry.

In the mean time. Everyone can go fuck themselves.